Lifes death grip

Life has a death grip on me.

Like King Kong holds on to Mary Ann or whatever her name is. She had it made anyway, personally i would love to have a 3 ton gorilla as a personal bodyguard on skull island, even if the gorilla wants to mate with me, hey, you gotta be alive to mate right?

Anyway, like i said, life has a death grip on me. it doesn't let me go unless it feels like it, and even so it throws a few nasty things my way along with my freedom, making my life as miserable as it is. i mean think about it. one minute you were happily accepting the fact that you are on vacation after a long semester at college, next thing you know you are at home, your families maid ran away while the rest of your family went to Madrid, your computer's dvd reader acts up and to top that up you develop a flu. what kind of fucked up vacation is that? i'll tell you what kind it is, it is a vacation that you'll have to clean the house, feed the dogs, feed the cats, water the plants, wash the dishes, wash the clothes, etc, and on top of that i have to take care of poor grandma who decided to stay behind to "take care" of me... i know she means well, but truth be told i like being alone, with no other human beings in close proximity. i've no idea if this is normal at my age, but i think it's not. when everyone around me wants to go somewhere i have this feeling like i want to stay at home instead. it's not that i'm anti social, i have plenty of friends, not necessarily good ones, but friends none the less,


But somewhere in my course of life, i have developed a small kindling of loathing, a distant hatred for homosapiens. it seems that whatever we do, whatever we say now, it's actually irrelevant, it's not important at all. and all the while we keep destroying a bit of the earth one tiny piece of trash at a time. i'm guessing all this is because i have this tendency to be very environmentally friendly. In fact i consider myself to be an environmental extremist in my own way. but the main issue here is i have this tnedancy to dislike human contact at times, yet at others, i feel... well, lonely. yeah i know, this is one hell of a fucked up life i'm leading. in fact i'm not sure if i'm even alive anymore. most of the time i'm just living the same old life every single day. sure i learn new things everyday in college, and when i met my friends i also have a lot of fun with them, but i feel that my life is too... boring. i feel like i need some huge changes, something exciting happening for instance, but in reality i knew the possibilities of that happening are very slim. so i dont really have high hopes for those, but i still keep an eye out for those.

So, in conclusion, i live a fucked up life in a fucked up world, as do a lot of people, but then again, if the world didn't suck, we would all be floating. so i accept this fact, and try to make the most out of it. that's life, deal with it.

post-rejection

The night of my rejection, i lay in my bed, talking to myself...
Real Me : Man this sucks.
Inner Self: Hey, cheer up, you did everything you could. There was no way of expecting this.
Real Me : Yeah, but still I thik i could have done something better...
Inner Self: Yeah? like what?
Real Me : I don't know, maybe ask her sooner...
Inner Self: Face it, you lost to that other guy, now just wish that they have a bright future, as long as she's happy right? Isn't that what you really want? Her to be happy?
Real Me : Yes it is, and i do hope they get along, but still, i have this empty feeling in my heart...
Inner Self: It hurts doesn't it?
Real Me : Well of course it does! Feels like a chainsaw in my heart, and it's still there and buzzing.
Inner Self: Chill man, useless shouting at me, that's not going to solve your problem.
Real Me : Yeah i guess... Sorry.
Inner Self: No harm done.
a few seconds silence...
Real Me : Wonder who he is though...
Inner Self: Who who is?
Real Me : You know, the guy she likes.
Inner Self: Donno, probably someone from school.
Real Me : Don't think so, I think he's not from our school, perhaps another scout she met at Jamboree...
Inner Self: Whoever he is he better not meet you eh? heh heh.
Real Me : Yeah... Nah, I'm not that kinda guy, if i meet that guy, i'm going to tell him that i like her but i've lost to her, and that he better treat her nice or he'll be really sorry he didn't.
Inner Self: Very noble of you.
Real Me : Thanks, but i still think if i had asked her sooner i may have had her...
Inner Self: MAY being the important part of that sentence.
Real Me : Do you have to be so negative?
Inner Self: Me? Negative? Who is the one talking to himself on his bed at 12.00 am?
Real Me : That's mainly because i can only gripe to you, You heard my sis when she said..
Inner self: I know what she said, she said that boys bouce back faster and you act like a girl when you mope around and go all emo on others. It not true, You can bitch about it all the time, heck write a blog about it if it helps.
Real Me : Yeah well what if other people think that means i'm a big wuss?
Inner Self: Seriously dude, get a grip, you had your chance, you missed it. You tried to salvage it by asking her anyway and you got what you expected didn't you, Let her go already.
Real Me : I can't. Her cute smile still haunts my thoughs... Damn it why did she have to smile when she was rejecting me?
Inner Self: Sigh, she was trying to lessen the impact of the rejection. Don't you get it?
Real Me : I know that, it's just that it backfired didn't it? I'm hurting more now.
Inner Self: Well it's not her fault you're as messed up as this, you should be ashamed of yourself, there's more to life then having a girlfriend you know, i'm sure you'll find relief somewhere.
Real Me : Really, for example?
Inner Self: Well...
Real Me : Face it, everytime someone mentions birthday, 18th March, pineapple or i see a cute couple having the time of their lives i'll always remember that day.
Inner Self: Sigh, you'll get over it soon enough.
Real Me : I guess...
Inner Self: But hey, forget about her, you can move on soon enough.
Real Me : But i don't know why, i still have feelings for her...
Inner Self: Good, bottle it up, throw it into the sea.
Real Me : I... I can't...
Inner Self: Oh Man, I'm talking to a retard.
Real Me : A love struck retard mind you.
Inner Self: Whatever.
Real Me : But strange thing though, I want to cry my heart out today, that would make me feel better, but the tears just won't come...
Inner Self: Maybe you just don't love her enough...
Real Me : No it's not that, i just feel like maybe i've had the though that men don't cry, they bleed, so i'm just not used to crying, heck i didn't even cry at my grandfathers funeral...
Inner Self: Probable, but ask yourself, do you really love her?
Real Me : I do.
Inner self: Then i guess it really is what you think.
Real Me : Really hard not to express my feelings though, even all those break-up songs my sis borrowed my doesn't help...
Inner Self: Hey, it'll take time for your heart to heal, and after that you may not feel that you love her anymore, feel whatever you want, but only the future knows what will happen.
Real Me : Yeah, guess so.
Inner Self: Now get some sleep, you've got another big day tommorow.
Real Me : Sigh, do i really have to?
Inner Self: Yes, you don't want to be late again right?
Real Me : Well yeah.
Inner Self: Good, so forget about her for now and go to sleep. Good night.
Real Me : Night...
A few minutes later...
Real Me : I really think i could get her if i asked sooner though...
Inner self: Shut up, and go to sleep.
Real Me : Okay, okay...
A few seconds of silence...
Real Me : No seriously...
Inner Self: Hey, shut up already.
Real Me : Okay, fine